i will no longer self destruct in 30 seconds

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

i left the house this evening around 9:30 pm for my run and, boy, did a lot happen. in my head, that is. i took off down the street while the heat of the day settled into the darkness. i made it through the park for a few miles before i was forced out by the night. with my ipod singing in one ear (oh yes, my left headphone is broken which makes the whole experience a little dizzying) i ran among the fireflies and just marveled at their glow. i couldn't help but fall in love with the night. the summertime heat. and while i was loving this night, i realized a lot. i realized that i'm tired of tearing myself down and disliking me. i've got 9,000 reasons to criticize myself but i won't be heading down that path any longer. my life is more than i ever dreamed and i am so lucky! that's nothing new - i've known that for quite some time. but i've decided to work on myself. to drop it all. all my negative thoughts and comments about myself will be squelched mid-thought or mid-sentence. i'm done and i plan to make this a clean break of the habit i've held onto for 32 years now. gross. goodbye self-destruction! hello somethin' else.

i plan to race a 5k this weekend. it'll be my first race since the marathon i bombed just over a month ago. i'm extremely nervous but looking forward to it too. yeah, i may run much slower than i hope to, but i'm elated to be out there right now. i may be my heaviest, my slowest. my most sleep-deprived. my most stressed. my least organized and my least confident. but i'm also my most fulfilled, most loved and most content in all my life. i live with the love of my life who takes care of me like no other. we share the greatest little human being of all time as well. our son is the light of both our lives and for that i am so very thankful. i could go on and on about my mom and my dad, my sister and my friends. but i'm going to leave it at this: i'm gonna like myself if it kills me. hehe. and i will no longer self destruct in 30 seconds...

whew. that felt good. well, here i go!      


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